I Trained People How To Treat Me
Most of my life I have believed that other people were responsible for how they treat me. And while accountability matters, there’s a deeper more uncomfortable truth. I trained people how to treat me every single day.
Not with words. With what I allowed. With what I excused. With what I tolerated in silence.
Training happened in the small moments. Training didn’t happen in one big confrontation. It happened in the small repeated moments that I did not even know was happening. When someone interrupted me and i let it slide. When my boundaries were crossed and i said, “it’s fine.” When I over-explained, as I do, over-give, or over-accommodate. When I felt disrespected but chose comfort over honesty.
Each time I did this, or still do, I send a message that this is acceptable. This is okay. You can keep doing this. People are not mind readers. They respond to patterns. Patterns then become permission.
Silence Is Still A Lesson.
I honestly have always believed that staying silent and just going with the flow was being kind. In reality, silence teaches just as loudly as words do, if not more.
Silence teaches how much access someone has to me. How seriously they should take my needs. How far they can push me before I push back. All the time of never speaking up, others learned they did not have to listen to me.
Boundaries Are Not Punishments
My fear was always that if I set boundaries, I’ll hurt people I love or push them away. That was a huge threat to me. With my anxious attachment style I could not handle thinking that i would be pushing anyone away. And, I have learned that boundaries are not walls, but rather instructions.
They say this is how to love me. This is how to work with me. This is how to stay in relationship with me. Healthy people do not resent boundaries. They respect them. The people who push back the hardest are often the ones who benefited the most from me not having any.
Self-Respect Sets the Tone. The way i treat myself becomes the baseline for how others treat me. If I ignore my own needs, minimize my feelings, abandon myself in order to keep the peace, others will follow my lead. If I am to speak clearly, though, enforce consequences calmly, and choose self-respect over approval. I retrain the room.
Here’s the good news. I can retrain the room at any time. Training is ongoing. Just because I allowed something before doesn’t mean it has to continue. I am allowed to say that doesn’t work for me anymore. I should have spoken up earlier and here’s what I need now. This is my boundary going forward. Growth changes the rules and that’s not betrayal, that’s evolution.
So, if you relate to this and something in your life feels consistently disrespectful, overwhelming, or draining , ask yourself what behavior have i been unintentionally teaching people is okay? Awareness is where change begins. Boundaries are how it’s enforced and self-respect is what sustains it.
