When Everything Was Either Right or Wrong

I didn’t even know the gray existed.

Everything in my life was black and white. Right or wrong. Good or bad. Safe or unsafe. On Jehovah God’s side… or not.

There wasn’t space for anything in between.

I always knew what side I was supposed to be on. That part was clear. I had been trained that way. No one else’s opinions or perspectives really mattered. There was one truth, one way, one correct position.

But if I’m being honest… there were parts of me that didn’t always agree.

And that created this quiet tension inside of me.

There was always this pressure to be on the “right” side… and guilt for the parts of me that weren’t. It wasn’t something I said out loud, but I felt it. That constant internal pull to correct myself.

So I would pray about it.
Try to fix my thinking.
Try to become who I believed I was supposed to be.

I remember in the beginning, someone told me the New World Translation was our Bible and that it had been changed.

I didn’t just disagree.

I was absolutely certain they were wrong.

I became defensive. Rigid. Almost shut down to even considering what they were saying. I knew it was the truth. There was no other option in my mind. I had been taught that God’s name had been restored in it thousands of times, that it was the only accurate version.

Looking back now… it’s embarrassing how certain I was.

Because they were right.

And that’s the thing about black and white thinking… it doesn’t just give you clarity.

It gives you certainty without question.

And anything outside of that doesn’t even register as possible.

After I left, that’s when I started to notice it.

Not before.

Before, I couldn’t even see the in between space. It didn’t exist to me. There were only two options, and I moved through life constantly choosing between them.

Now, I can see it… sometimes.

And even now, it can feel really uncomfortable.

There are moments where my mind still goes straight to two positions.
Right or wrong.
Me vs him.
Safe or unsafe.

I see it show up in my marriage at times. I can feel myself wanting to lock into one side instead of staying open. Like if I don’t choose quickly, something feels off or unsettled inside of me.

And when I try to consider anything outside of those two options… it can bring up intense emotions.

Almost like my system doesn’t know what to do with it.

Because gray requires something I was never taught.

Openness.
Curiosity.
The ability to hold more than one perspective at the same time.

And that used to feel unsafe.

But what I’m learning now is that possibility has always been there.

It was just outside of what I allowed myself to see.

Just like with religion.

Not everyone is Christian… and yet so many people are taught to believe that it’s the only option, and everything else is wrong or “pagan.”

But that’s not actually true.

There are so many ways people understand the world.
Science. Philosophy. Other religions. Connection to nature.

Entire perspectives that exist whether we acknowledge them or not.

And the same is true in our everyday lives.

There are more than two options.
More than one way to see something.
More than one truth that can exist at the same time.

I’m still learning how to sit in that.

Still learning how to expand instead of collapse into “right” or “wrong.”

Still learning that not everything needs to be decided so quickly.

And honestly… sometimes it still feels uncomfortable.

But I’m starting to see that discomfort differently.

Not as something to avoid…
but as a sign that I’m stepping outside of the limits I was taught.

Just because I was trained to see the world in black and white
doesn’t mean that’s all there is.

And maybe the gray isn’t something to fear.

Maybe it’s where freedom actually begins.