Don’t tell me what to do!
Why do I hate so much when other people tell me what to do? It doesn’t even have to be blatant….it can be a strong suggestion and up go my defenses!
This is a hard one to admit. I believe it is an autonomy wound. My whole life I have been directed, corrected, or over-managed as a child, young adult, and grown adult. Therefore, my nervous system learned that being told what to do means “being powerless or not capable.” So, now even neutral suggestions can feel like someone is taking my autonomy, I’m being judged or treated like I am incompetent. Too bad that my brain isn’t reacting to today. It’s reacting to the past. My anxious attachment amplifies this threat.
Anxious attachment often creates hyper-vigilance to criticism. My nervous system is constantly scanning for signs of disapproval and being told what to do “feels” like rejection or dominance. So when I “snap” this is actually my fight response kicking in. Fun times!! When the message comes from a man, it hits an old power imbalance. Regardless of childhood or adult experiences. as a woman and especially one that came out of a high controlled religion, I carry conditioning like “Men lead, women follow.” I have had majority of my life that has felt oppressed, dismissed and controlled and my body remembers. So, when anyone, especially a man tells me what to do -even lovingly- my body reacts. I feel like I am losing control and I am not safe!
This is not a character flaw. There is nothing wrong with me. I am not sensitive. This is a trauma imprint + attachment pattern. My body is fiercely protecting my capabilities, autonomy, independence, and my right to lead my own life. This is a GOOD thing! There’s nothing wrong with me!! My system just needs updating.
This wound essentially tells me that “If someone tells me what to do, they must think I can’t handle it myself.” But, the truth is, a suggestion is NOT a judgement, a reminder is NOT an attack, a comment is NOT a command, help is NOT control. My nervous system just hasn’t learned to tell the difference yet.
Now what?! I do not want to keep living like this. I can feel myself do these things and do not know how to stop it! It is incredibly frustrating and puts up road blocks in my relationships.
I’m trying this: Name the wound exactly when it happens. When I feel the snap rising, pause internally and say “This is my body protecting my autonomy.” Just identifying it brings me back into the present.
Separate the tone from the story-my brain jumps straight to they think I am incapable, they are controlling me, they do not trust me. instead try-They said words. My story about those words is causing the pain. This reframes everything!!
Express the need underneath the reaction-My surface reaction is anger. The deeper emotion is I want to feel respected, I want to feel trusted, and I want to feel capable. A simple script to use with someone-I know you’re trying to help. When I hear something that sounds like instruction, my body reacts like I’m being controlled. It would help me if you phrased is as a question or invitation. This gives the other person clear framework, instead of hoping they’ll just get it.
