Your ability to trust
I really did not understand what it meant when I read that my ability to trust has nothing to do with the other person being trustworthy. That just didn’t make sense to me at all. If someone broke my trust then how could I ever trust them again. They must have to build this back up with me. It is their responsibility to build trust with me again. Then…bam!! It hit!! My ability to trust another human has nothing to do with whether they are trustworthy or not because we are all human and we all fail time and time again. If trust was dependent on that then we would never be able to trust anyone ever!
Trust is about my internal capacity, not the other person’s behavior. This of course does not mean to trust everyone blindly. It does mean that trust is a skill and a choice, not a reaction.
Trust is: the willingness to be open, the willingness to risk, and the willingness to operate from vision instead of fear. Trust is not situational but rather a core value. It is not just a feeling, but rather something that is actively cultivated through repeated choices and behaviors.
What? Why? Like WTF, right?!!! Well, that’s what I said anyways!
Trustworthiness is an external factor you can’t control. But your own capacity, to trust and stay open, to stay in integrity with yourself is something you can develop and strengthen. We are not supposed to ignore reality or stay in unsafe situations…ever! Your trust muscle grows when you choose trust as a reflection of who you are, not as a reward for someone else’s perfection.
There is a reason my brain has always defaulted to worst-case scenarios. This is not a flaw. I am not wrong or broken. I have created a protective mechanism built from attachment wounding, past experiences where my needs were not met, being told by others that I am too much or that I am needy. My brain thinks that if I can predict the worst, I can’t be blindsided again. Unfortunately, this has created a survival strategy that has prevented me from imagining, or allowing good outcomes. We will always move forward toward the pictures in our heads. So, how do I get the right picture in my head?!! It is so easy to just picture all the worst case scenarios, the what if’s, whole stories of what is “not” happening. This does not take effort, in fact these just sneak in at any moment through out my day and jump scare me!! I want to change the movies that play in my head and this is easier said than done. These images that come up for me are not chosen but rather automatic.
I have lived so long expecting disappointment that my system actually feels safer expecting the worst. This is comfortable because it’s familiar. My nervous system learned long ago that preparing for betrayal=survival. Instead of fighting the images, which never seems to work, what if I can replace them? What if I replace them with equally possible, grounded, safer images my brain can practice holding. What if I can create custom images for different scenarios and every time a fear image hits I can say-”This is a fear picture, not a fact.” Replace it with one of my custom safe visions and hold it for just 10 seconds. This way I am not erasing the fear, rather I am retraining what picture comes FIRST. Next, I picture myself, because the real fear isn’t just about the situation or other person, but rather truly it’s about me not being able to protect myself emotionally. When I can visualize myself as strong and attuned, the fear loses its power.
This may seem crazy but it makes me think about the movie IT and how the clown preys off of each individuals worst fears. Whatever that is for the individual, it comes to life and the only way to combat this is by not being afraid. Notice in the movie how the kids all ground themselves and come up with something that is personal to them like spraying their asthma inhaler in the clowns face stating it is battery acid and it WORKED!! So, what can I spray in the clowns face so to speak? What is my worst fear and what can I use to go to battle against it?
